“I could never be a foster parent – I’d be afraid of getting too attached.”
Let’s be honest. If you’re thinking about becoming a foster parent, haven’t you thought about this?
Acknowledge that it’s okay to feel this way
First and foremost, it’s okay to fear attachment when deciding to become a foster parent. These feelings are normal. Don’t be afraid to acknowledge them – they could keep you from significantly impacting a child’s life.
Why do we fear attachment?
Fear of attachment is fear of the unknown. Right now, you don’t know how you will react once a child moves on from your care. You may worry about experiencing and managing grief. While these feelings can be scary, they’re expected.
They might be unfounded, too. It’s possible to establish a close relationship with a child. Even when they are no longer in your care, you will never truly lose them. Your bond can exist despite a change in living arrangements.
“Mom knew that we had such a special [bond] with her child,” said Jen, a foster parent in Florida. “She didn’t want that (relationship) ever to go away, and she was very grateful.”
Reframing attachment as a positive
Reframe the cause of your fear in a positive way. You’re afraid to get hurt if you bond with your foster child. But it is okay for you and your foster child to create a bond; in fact, it is encouraged!
When a child is removed from their birth parent’s home, they may become traumatized. Children in foster care can lose trust in adults. When you foster, you give that child a chance for a new connection with an adult. You can serve as a role model for future positive relationships.
“It’s not your child; it’s a foster child,” said Kwame, a Cayuga Centers foster parent in Delaware.
“They’re going to go back to their parents. You build attachments. You cook, you eat, you do everything together. That child is a part of your home, a part of your life.”
Four things to consider when you fear becoming attached
Here is a guide to overcome your fears:
#1. Focus on the child
It can help you recenter and refocus on your original goal. Remember why you wanted to become a foster parent: the child.
Youth in foster care often experience trauma. Putting the child’s needs over your anxieties helps put things in perspective.
“Our little ones don’t have to take on that emotional pain,” said Sara, a foster parent. “We’re the adults. We can handle it.”
#2. The increasing need for foster parents
There are nearly 400,000 in the US foster care system. Agencies are constantly looking for foster parents.
“The system is very overworked, and it does need revamping,” Sara admits. “But in the meantime, we need parents who are going to care for the kids…
“What does it matter to them? They’re too young to understand. They just need an adult to step in and say, ‘We got you’; we’ll figure this out.”
#3. You will get another chance to fill your heart. Soon.
Many more children are waiting for foster families. You will have more chances to help a child needing a home.
“I think a lot of foster parents, they say, ‘I’m done’,” said Sharika, another Cayuga Centers Florida foster parent. “Once that one child that they love so much goes away they just throw in the towel. But there’s a light at the end of the [tunnel].
“If you just keep going, you’ll you’ll get to the place where you have more children and more love, more happiness, more laughter.”
#4. Peer support is available
You are not alone. Foster parent support groups can help. They provide a safe space to share your worries with other families.
Remember, becoming a foster parent is a temporary act of love. True love involves giving and compassion but also knowing when to let go.
Consider the main reasons why you want to foster. If the benefits outweigh the pain of a child leaving your care, you are prepared to begin this journey.
