By Rosario Aguero, Parent and Child Coach
Being curious about what’s behind the “bad behavior” is the first step towards healing for a child who sometimes exhibits challenging behaviors. These strategies will help you reframe your approach to caregiving.
Behavior is communication
Every behavior a child exhibits is a form of communication. When a child hits, screams, throws a tantrum, or defies rules, it’s not simply bad behavior. They are expressing an unmet need or an emotional challenge they can’t yet articulate.
Challenging behavior is often a signal, not the core issue. Instead of asking, ‘What’s wrong with this child?’ we should ask, ‘What happened to this child?’
The Iceberg Analogy: What you see vs. what lies beneath
Picture an iceberg. What is visible above the water is the behavior, and what we can see and react to. For children, this could include challenging behaviors such as:
Observable Behaviors:
- Hitting
- Tantrums
- Defiance
- Crying
- Running away
- Screaming
- Hiding
However, like an iceberg, there is more beneath the surface. This includes the foundation or root cause. It shows what is happening emotionally, physically, or psychologically. For children, this could include underlying emotions and unmet needs.
Needs and Triggers:
- Hunger
- Tiredness
- Overstimulation
- Anxiety
- Fear
- Lack of routine or predictability
- Unmet emotional needs
- Sensory processing difficulties
- Difficulty with transitions
- Past trauma or family stress
Investigating the root causes
Just as you wouldn’t treat a child’s fever without asking why the fever exists, the same goes for behavior. A behavior is a symptom – and you must look for the underlying cause. For example, a child who hits may be tired, struggling with impulse control, lacking the words to express frustration, or reacting to inconsistent discipline.
Caregivers should investigate the ‘why’ behind the behavior instead of just reacting to what is happening.
Influencing Factors: Child Temperament + Environment
Child temperament
Every child is born with a unique temperament. Some are naturally more intense, more sensitive, or slower to adapt. These traits affect how they react to stress, change, and correction.
Environment
Children thrive when their environment supports emotional development and models emotion regulation and positive discipline. Is the environment calm or chaotic? Are the adults responding with empathy or punishment? Is the child’s emotional expression welcomed or shut down?
What Caregivers Can Do
1. Look beneath the behavior
Before you react, take a minute to pause and ask yourself: What might my child be feeling? What unmet need could be driving this?
2. Build emotional literacy
Teach your child words to describe their emotions and help them name and understand their feelings. Model this behavior by discussing your feelings with them.
3. Create predictability and connection
Children thrive with structure. Maintain consistent routines, offer choices, and prioritize connection before making corrections.
4. Practice co-regulation
Help your child calm down with you. Try taking deep breaths together. Get to their level, make eye contact and speak in a soft tone of voice.
5. Use Nonviolent Communication
Nonviolent communication (NVC) is a method of speaking and listening that can build stronger family dynamics. It is an alternative to discipline and teaches children how to express their needs without aggression.
Final thoughts
Challenging behaviors are not signs of a “bad child”. They are calls for help, signals of distress, and opportunities to connect. When caregivers take the time to understand what lies beneath, they become partners in a child’s emotional growth.
Further reading
Interested in learning more? The following three books are my top recommendations for caregivers and are available for purchase on Cayuga Centers’ bookshop.org page:
- “The Whole-Brain Child” by Dr. Dan Siegel & Dr. Tina Payne Bryson
- “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
- “No Drama Discipline” by Dr. Dan Siegel & Dr. Tina Payne Bryson
- When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it’s our job to share our calm, not join their chaos. L.R. Knost
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