By Rosario Aguero, PACE Program Manager
Parenting is one of the most meaningful—and challenging—roles we take on. Especially for new parents, the flood of advice and information can feel overwhelming. When your child begins to push boundaries or act out, it’s natural to feel unsure about how to respond.
In those tough moments, many parents wonder how to discipline a child while still maintaining a strong, loving connection. That’s where Nonviolent Communication (NVC) can be a powerful tool. It provides a way to show empathy, set clear limits, and strengthen your bond with your child. This helps them grow both emotionally and socially.
What Is Nonviolent Communication (NVC)?
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a powerful method of speaking and listening that builds deeper empathy, understanding, connection, and stronger family dynamics. Rather than blaming, shaming, or demanding, NVC invites us to express our feelings and needs in a respectful, honest, and constructive way.
We can use this approach in all our relationships — with friends, co-workers, partners, and especially with our children.
What I often hear from parents when they start using different ways of discipline or communicating with their children is:
- “We’re being too soft.”
- “This feels permissive.”
- “They should know better!”
These thoughts come from a common misconception — the idea that if we’re angry, our message should hurt to be effective.
But here’s the truth: When a child feels hurt or shamed, they don’t learn how to behave better. Instead, they are learning to feel afraid, disconnected, or defensive.
NVC offers a different path — one that sets clear boundaries with compassion. Nonviolent communications in simple terms is not about letting everything slide. It’s about setting limits while modeling emotional responsibility, teaching emotional literacy, and creating an environment where children feel safe enough to grow.
When we speak with empathy, we don’t lose our authority — we gain our child’s trust.
Marshall Rosenberg, an American psychologist, mediator, author, teacher, and founder of the Center for Nonviolent Communication says it best — “All behavior is an attempt to meet a need.”
The four steps of Nonviolent Communication
NVC addresses the difficulties of parenting by providing four simple tips for parents to consider. Think of them as your go-to guide whenever you face a difficult parenting moment.
1. Observation (What happened?)
Let’s say your child is not listening to you when you speak to them. Rather than jumping to conclusions, NVC invites you to pay attention to and describe exactly what is happening without judgment or labels.
Instead of: ‘You’re always so lazy!’
Try: “I noticed you left your backpack and shoes in the hallway.”
Why this matters: We tend to judge all behavior as “bad” or “good” or “wrong” or “correct”. While labeling or blaming can cause kids to shut down or rebel, stating observations helps keep communication open.
2. Feelings (How do I feel?)
In frustrating moments, it’s natural to want to express how your child’s behavior impacts you. But NVC invites us to pause and focus on naming our own emotions without blame.
Instead of saying, “You’re making me crazy!”
Try, “I feel overwhelmed and frustrated when I see the mess.”
Why this matters: When you name your feelings without blaming, you’re not only modeling emotional vocabulary. You’re also teaching your child how to understand and express their emotions in healthy ways. Eventually, your child will build their emotional intelligence as they learn to identify and respond to how others are feeling.
3. Needs (What do I need?)
Another NVC approach is to identify the needs behind your feelings. The NVC Needs and Feelings List is a helpful tool to better understand what you and your child are feeling. These phrases typically start with “When… happened/s, I felt/feel… because I need…”
Instead of: “Hurry up! You are making us late to school.”
Try: “Let’s try to be on time for school today. When we are running late for school, I feel anxious and flustered.”
Why this matters: Needs are universal. When we express needs rather than criticism, children feel less attacked and more motivated to cooperate. Click here to see a complete nonviolent communication list of needs.
4. Request (What would I like to happen?)
It’s easy to assume children will remember your expectations, but in reality, they often need gentle reminders. It’s best to make a clear, respectful request, rather than a demand.
Instead of: “Pick up your things or no TV!”
Try: ” Can you put your shoes and backpack away once you arrived from school? I can help out if you need reminders.”
Why this matters: Requests invite cooperation. Demands often trigger resistance or fear.
Why NVC works for parenting
NVC offers an alternative to child discipline and focuses on building relationships with family members. Some ways that NVC helps your child are that it:
- Builds connection, not fear
- Models emotional intelligence
- Teaches kids how to express their needs without aggression
- Strengthens your long-term relationship with your child
Nonviolent communication examples
NVC works with both younger and older children. For example, maybe your teenager is constantly on their phone and ignoring your requests. You may get increasingly frustrated and want to yell or discipline them. However, your NVC toolbox can be a great way to use your words to encourage better habits for the future.
Instead of:
- ‘You never listen to me! Put your phone down for once!’
Try NVC:
- Observation: “When I see you looking at your phone while I’m talking…”
- Feeling: “…I feel sad…”
- Need: “…because I need to feel heard and respected.”
- Request: “Would you be willing to put your phone down while we talk for a few minutes?”
This approach shifts the focus away from blame and instead helps your child understand how their actions impact others. It opens the door for them to make positive changes without triggering defensiveness or resistance.
Teaching NVC to children
Nonviolent Communication isn’t just a positive parenting tool—it’s also a powerful way to understand what’s really going on beneath your child’s behavior when they’re acting out. Some ways to practice NVC on your children include:
- Reflecting on their feelings: “It sounds like you’re upset because you wanted more playtime.”
- Asking about their needs: “What do you need right now? Are you tired, hungry, or needing a hug?”
- Modeling the steps yourself, even when it’s hard.
Remember, you don’t have to get it right every time. Nonviolent Communication is a practice—not a performance. If your child doesn’t know how they feel or what they need, you can gently reflect that back with compassion: “It’s okay not to know.”
Final thoughts
Nonviolent Communication helps us parent from a place of curiosity, compassion, and clarity. It doesn’t mean we let go of boundaries or ignore bad behavior. Instead, you can set limits with empathy and intention and teach children good behaviors and positive child development.
When we speak and listen with the goal of understanding, we build not just cooperation, but connection—the foundation of every strong parent-child relationship.
“What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.”
– Marshall Rosenberg
You can learn more about Nonviolent Communication by visiting cnvc.org or checking out Marshall Rosenberg’s book Living Nonviolent Communication: Practical Tools to Connect and Communicate Skillfully in Every Situation. There are also many other books on Nonviolent Communication as well as online training. Follow us on social media for more parenting tips.
For more parenting books, visit Cayuga Centers’ Bookshop.org Library
