By Zoë Hutchinson, Vice President of Communications at Cayuga Centers
You have done all the preparation. You found a foster care agency and met the requirements. You took the parenting classes and achieved your foster care license. Now you are ready to begin caring for children in the child welfare system and accept your first foster care placement. Congratulations!
One of the first questions many foster parents face when welcoming a child into their home is: “What should they call me?”
Names carry deep emotional weight, especially for children navigating the uncertainty of foster care. You want to be respectful to their biological family and honor their continued role in the child’s life. You also want the child to feel a sense of belonging while they are in your care. Names convey many things, including closeness, respect, and emotional boundaries.
Answering the question “What should they call me?” feels overwhelming. But, it doesn’t have to be. Feel confident that you and the child in your care will find a name that works for your family. And the name they call you may evolve as you build trust and closeness with them.
Factors that influence naming preferences
A few factors will likely influence the name you settle on. After thinking about the questions below, talk with your fellow foster parents at the next support group meeting. Also, consult with your foster care treatment team including the child therapist. They will have insights and ideas that you might not have considered.
What is the age of the child?
Younger children and infants often find it easier to call their caregivers Mommy and Daddy because they are just starting to learn words and name the people around them. Older children and teens may avoid using traditional biological family names because they already have people in their life they call by those names.
What has the child been through?
Children who have experienced neglect or abuse may have complicated feelings about parental titles. For some, Mom/Dad might represent pain or abandonment. For others, it might symbolize safety and belonging. There’s no universal rule—each child’s history matters.
What do others call you?
If you already have children in the home, you will likely consider the names you are already called. Additionally, what you refer to yourself or your partner will influence the names your child considers. Family dynamics will impact the decision of what name feels like a good fit.
How long will you care for them?
The length of stay and permanency plan of the child in your home will also influence your consideration of foster mom/foster dad names.
If you are fostering to adopt, you will likely lean towards Mommy/Daddy or something similar. If reunification is the goal, Mommy/Daddy might not feel like the best fit. If you are providing respite foster care, something more formal like Miss/Mr. may feel most appropriate.
What is their culture?
Your culture and their culture can also help guide you in finding your name. Is Auntie/Uncle a term only used for biological family members, or does it extend to chosen family? Does Miss/Mr. feel too formal or just right? The goal is to create a sense of belonging without replacing people already in their lives.
Let the child take the lead
Most importantly, defer to what the child prefers and feels best for them. Never pressure a child to call you Mom/Dad as it may cause them emotional stress. One name might feel right in the beginning, and then as you become closer, another name might feel like a better fit. Let your child know that the conversation is ongoing and can be revisited at any time.
What they call you might depend on the setting you are in. For example, perhaps at school pickup they yell for Mom to feel like the rest of the kids, but at home, calling you by your first name feels better. Let your child know that there’s no wrong answer and let them take the lead on finding the right fit.
Keep in mind that there is no timeline for this process. Some children may never feel comfortable using Mom/Dad—and that’s okay. What matters most is validating their feelings and reassuring them that your love and care are steadfast and do not depend on what they call you.
Are you considering becoming a foster parent? Take our quiz to find out your foster parent personality and read our tips on choosing the right foster care agency for you.
