In the Cambridge dictionary, co-parenting is defined as “sharing responsibility for raising a child, often between people who do not live together as a couple or when one person is not the biological parent of the child.” As a foster parent, your commitment to a foster child requires collaboration with the biological parent(s) and caseworkers assigned to that child.
You are one of the most essential factors in determining a successful outcome for the child in your care. If you can help your child stay connected to their bio parent and emotionally protected, it will help them transition back from their foster home into their birth family environment.
But did you know that establishing the right mindset and mapping out how to handle difficult situations and challenges can make all the difference for foster families?
One of the most common stressors for foster parents is the relationship with the biological parent, who remains an important part of the journey. If possible, it is important to build a strong relationship with them.
Building a positive relationship and establishing healthy boundaries is easier when you remember the ultimate goal of the foster journey: reunification whenever possible.
So what does co-parenting look like? Parenting decisions will be made in collaboration with the caseworker and bio parents. Everyone must work together to make decisions in the child’s best interest.
But we know, sometimes that’s easier said than done. It’s all about communication.
Keep these tips and strategies in mind to help you on your journey.
Remember that your foster child will likely return to their biological parents
Visualize your foster child returning to their bio parents. This will help you remember the importance of nurturing that relationship and establishing regular and open communication. Remember, they are at a low point in their life.
You are one of the most essential factors in determining a successful outcome for the child in your care. If you can help your child stay connected to their bio parent and emotionally protected, it will help them transition back from their foster home into their birth family environment.
Look at the situation from the child’s point of view
Your foster child was removed from everything they know. Many times, it’s an abrupt removal. Even under the harshest environments or traumatic experiences, studies show children will almost always choose the known versus the unknown.
It’s your responsibility to help your foster child navigate this difficult transition. You will be their role model in handling the situation’s stress.
Understanding the emotions your foster child is experiencing (fear, anger, grief, sadness, etc.) can help you to maintain a positive communication flow with the bio parents. It’s essential to keep that vital link alive to help them transition back to their bio family when safe to do so.
It’s imperative to frame conversations about tricky situations to the child’s age level. Try not to speak from a place of judgment. It’s easy for a foster child to internalize a negative situation like their mom missing a visit or feeling guilt and shame.
If a missed visit happens, explain what is happening so that it doesn’t villainize their parent or scare them. You can turn the situation into a learning opportunity by explaining everyone’s schedule changes sometimes. A schedule change does not mean mom isn’t thinking of them; she’s always thinking of them because they are loved. Reassure them that the appointment will be rescheduled.
As a Cayuga Centers Foster Parent, remember your child’s clinician is always there to support you. Consult a professional and/or read these resources for more information on age-appropriate parenting and conversation.
Look at the situation from the birth parent’s perspective
The bio parent is most likely at the lowest point in their lives. Losing their child to the child welfare system causes many to feel devastated, embarrassed, and shocked.
They may even be in denial about the reasons that led them to the current situation.
None of us have walked in each other’s shoes, so giving the bio parent the same grace you would hope to receive is important. You don’t have to forgive or accept whatever has caused the foster child’s removal. However, it is crucial to recognize that the biological parents are hopefully embarking on a journey of self-discovery and healing so they can make their family whole again.
Let the bio parents know you are a safe and nurturing space for the human being they brought into this world. Acknowledge their parental hierarchy, and let them know you aren’t trying to replace them. Doing so can set the tone for a positive relationship. You can read more about building a relationship with the bio parent in this useful guide.
Be realistic with yourself and take time for self-reflection
You are on a challenging journey. Raising children, whether they are your own or foster children, can be challenging at times.
Take time for self-reflection and be honest and realistic with your thoughts and feelings. It’s easy to blame a bio parent when you see the pain they have caused the child and think about the possible child abuse and neglect. This can make it harder to empathize, so try to recognize your triggers.
Focus on what you can control versus what you cannot. Get the support you need to address repeat challenges or concerns.
Don’t sweat the small stuff
A biological parent’s offhand comments can make you feel ignored, not valued, or like you are being taken advantage of.
More than likely, they are angry at themselves more than anyone else. Lean on Cayuga Centers wraparound team when you feel overwhelmed or need advice.
Create boundaries
Boundaries will help you navigate these murky waters and build a stronger relationship. Work with your team to help you establish boundaries with the biological parents from the beginning. This could include things like:
- Establishing the best way to communicate (phone/email/shared journal)
- Which times of day work best for visitation (what if the bio parent works the night shift)
- How will you handle a situation where you have a difference of opinion (like having a safe word to stop a conversation before it becomes argumentative)
- Understanding important holidays or events in the biological families life and honoring them in some way (photos/journaling/video)
Identifying and following boundary guidelines can help diffuse a problem before it even arises.
And luckily, boundaries can evolve with your relationship. Thinking about how you will handle working with your foster child’s biological parents is worth your time and effort and can provide you peace of mind. Your Cayuga Centers foster care team is here to help you with 24/7 support.
