By Allyssa DelPiano, Marketing Specialist at Cayuga Centers
Grief is often associated with the death of a loved one. But for youth in foster care, grief can encompass a much broader spectrum of loss. Coping with grief can stem from the separation from biological families, being taken away from familiar environments, and the disruption of routines, schools, and friendships. These profound changes can lead to complex emotional responses that require understanding and extra support.
What does grief look like for young people in foster care?
Unlike the grief that follows a death, which is socially recognized and often supported, youth can experience different kinds of grief, including ambiguous, disenfranchised, and stigmatized grief.
1. Ambiguous grief
This kind of grief stems from loss without closure. A child might be physically separated from their parent (foster care), but the parent is still alive. The relationship is in limbo, leaving the child to grieve what was, what is, and what may never be.
Example: A child removed from home may still hold hope for reunification, even when it’s unlikely. That hope can coexist with sadness, anger, and confusion.
2. Disenfranchised grief
This is grief that isn’t acknowledged or validated by others. It’s often minimized, dismissed, or ignored altogether.
Example: A child placed in care might lose a pet or leave behind a trusted teacher, and no one realizes how deeply it hurts. Foster parents might see it as “just a dog” or “just a move,” but for the child, it’s another rupture in a world already full of loss.
3. Stigmatized grief
This is a complicated grief that carries shame or social judgment. Others might believe the child shouldn’t mourn someone, often because of the reason for the separation.
Example: A young person grieving a parent who struggled with substance abuse or addiction may feel isolated. People around them may say, “You’re better off,” without realizing that love and grief can co-exist, even in complicated relationships.
The impact of loss on foster children
These types of grief can involve real, painful losses like:
- Family connections: Even in cases of neglect or abuse, children often maintain deep emotional bonds with their birth families. The removal from these relationships can lead to early childhood trauma with feelings of abandonment and confusion, especially when siblings are separated.
- Familiar environments: Transitioning into foster care often means leaving behind homes, schools, and communities, which can disrupt a child’s sense of stability and feeling of overwhelm.
- Daily routines and cultural traditions: Moving into a new household means adjusting to different rules, rhythms, and expectations.
- Sense of identity: Youth may struggle with belonging, especially when they’re asked to fit into a new family, culture, or community.
- Uncertainty about the future: The ambiguity surrounding reunification or adoption can exacerbate feelings of insecurity and grief.
Unlike a death that leads to mourning and memorials, the grief that youth in foster care experience is often unseen, unsupported, and ongoing. And because it starts so young, the impact of this kind of childhood trauma in adults can take years to heal.
How children process grief differently from adults
Children’s understanding and expression of grief vary by age and developmental stage.
- Young children: May not grasp the permanence of loss and can exhibit regressive behaviors or clinginess.
- School-aged children: Might experience academic difficulties, irritability, or somatic complaints like headaches.
- Adolescents: Often struggle with identity and may display risk-taking behaviors or withdrawal.
Unlike adults, children may not verbalize their grief, instead expressing it through behavior and play. They may also revisit their grief as they reach new developmental milestones, making ongoing support important.
The grief process in children: Stages of grief and non-linear progression
Children’s grief doesn’t follow a linear path but often involves cycling through various emotions:
- Denial: Difficulty accepting the loss, possibly expecting reunification.
- Anger: Feelings of injustice or blame towards themselves or others.
- Bargaining: Attempting to negotiate a return to previous circumstances.
- Depression: Profound sadness, hopelessness, or withdrawal.
- Acceptance: Acknowledging the loss and beginning to adjust.
It’s important to remember that children can move between these stages. They need patience and understanding during their grieving process.
Grief support strategy and activities
Supporting foster youth through grief involves creating safe spaces for expression and healing. Here are some effective interventions:
1. Writing a Letter
Encouraging kids to write letters to family members who are away can help them express their feelings. It also helps them feel connected.
2. Creating a Memory Box
Putting together a box with photos, keepsakes, and personal items helps children keep memories alive. It also gives them a real way to deal with loss.
3. Grief Therapy Activities
Creating art, music, or play therapy can help children express their feelings without using words. This is especially helpful for younger kids.
4. Support Groups
Joining peer support groups like the L.Y.G.H.T. program gives foster youth a place to share their experiences. They can also discuss coping strategies in a supportive setting.
5. Mental Health Interventions
Access to trauma-informed counseling and mental health services is crucial. These interventions can address complex grief and associated behavioral or emotional challenges.
Resources for Further Support
- National Alliance for Children’s Grief: connects you to local resources and professionals.
- Sesame Street Workshop: offers comforting, age-appropriate resources to help children and families navigate grief and loss together.
- Dougy Center: offers resources tailored for grieving children and teens.
- Mental Health Center Kids: offers a variety of grief support resources for children and teens, including printable worksheets, therapeutic activities, and expert-led articles
- Rainbows For All Children: offers free, age-specific peer-support groups for youth ages 3–18 experiencing grief from loss due to death, divorce, or other life-altering events.
- Winston’s Wish: Provides free grief activities for children and young people.
- UC Davis Health: Features activities designed for grieving children and families.
Recommended Books and Tools
Here are some valuable resources to support grieving children. You can find them all linked at Cayuga Centers’ Bookshop.org Library
- The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
- The Memory Box: A Book About Grief by Joanna Rowland
- Healing Your Grieving Heart for Kids: 100 Practical Ideas by Alan D. Wolfelt
- Healing Your Grieving Heart for Teens: 100 Practical Ideas by Alan D. Wolfelt
- Healing Days: A Guide for Kids Who Have Experienced Trauma by Susan Farber Straus
- Once I Was Very Very Scared by Chandra Ghosh Ippen
- Mama’s Waves by Chandra Ghosh Ippen
- The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr
- The Heart and the Bottle by Oliver Jeffers
- Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You by Nancy Tillman
- How I Feel: Grief Journal for Kids by Amelia Riedler
